I’d like to start this off with a thank you to everyone. I actually have readers, and it’s a very good feeling. It’s strange, but I’ve never felt myself the type who would enjoy people reading almost meaningless opinions of mine, and yet somehow it gives me a strange feeling of pride and an enhanced feeling of refined communication. Thanks for doing something so small that it does something very big for me.

I’d also like to pass on a bit of an apology and I prefer to be public with it. There are a large number of people out there who I have inconvenienced in my life with my random spurts of neediness. For those of you who are unaware of what I mean by this, you have probably seen some of the side effects. For a period of a couple of days I become moody and I tend towards trying to separate myself from things that bother me and only be around things that make me feel loved. When I am repelled by the things I love, even in the slightest, I tend to get very mad and frustrated. During this time I can be very harsh and even cruel. To those of you that I have ever gotten this way with, I am sorry, This used to be something I was consistently troubled with, but over the last several years it has simply become a time I can see coming and be ready for and I know it is something I am very close to overcoming.

I’m pretty bad sometimes at communicating well. I tend to trip over concepts here and there and sometimes just completely botch up an entire explanation. However, I do tend to pride myself on at least being able to make the attempt. I enjoy trying to communicate as much as I can. Sharing ideas and opinions is one of the things that makes us a little better than the things we eat.

Have you ever noticed though that sometimes people don’t even try to communicate? I have had people go weeks without talking to me and their excuse was that I never attempted to talk to them. Since when did communication become one sided? Was there some sort of meeting called that said that certain people couldn’t talk to other people unless the proper side initiated the contact. I tend to find myself busy, but I try where I can to contact people and let’s face it, getting phone calls makes me feel important and special, and as quite a few people can tell you, the better I feel the more likely I am to call people and try to share that with everyone.

That’s what this blog is about. It’s my way of being able to communicate with as many people as I can. It’s my way to share new opinions and ideas or even just a few meaningless thoughts. Thanks for giving me a reason to keep at this.

Also, I have a more entertaining topic to post on tomorrow. I am thinking about starting a new religion!

In the last few years, I’ve begun to notice that sometimes the greatest of your merits can also be your biggest flaws. As many people know, I tend to be a very intense and passionate person when it comes to a great deal of things. I tend to devote a great deal of time and effort to the subject of my enjoyment. However, sometimes I can let it go too far and end up allowing it to cause problems with the other parts of my life or I drain the energy from it like it were food and I had been tied to a chair for days. Being the type to never have batteries on hand this tends to suck for a great deal of my non-rechargeable electronics. It’s even worse if you happen to be a human being.

Teri is the object of said attention. Just being around her seems to brighten up my day and a conversation with her is enough to spark a level of desire I never knew I could achieve. However, like a 5 year old with a new toy I’ve pushed the same sound effect one too many times and the batteries have reached the point where Ernie sounds a lot more satanic than comedic.

The store is more similar to the late effects of the things I enjoy. The store is a passion of mine which has become an important part of my life. However, like most of the things in my life, I need time away from them no matter how much I may enjoy them. I love the store and the last thing I want to do is close it up and walk away, but I have spent so much time managing it and working within its walls I just want some time to breathe.

The combined effect of these two things is where I was for the last few days. My monthly burnout times are getting worse. I keep finding myself unable to sleep when I want to sleep. I keep forgetting things which I should never forget and losing track of things which I constantly need. I haven’t spent time with my family in so long I feel like many of them can only wonder if I still care.

Next Saturday is my trip to pickup my daughter from Missouri. I am leaving with Teri early in the morning and we’ll be staying in a hotel out there overnight. I am debating leaving Friday night, but the drive wouldn’t put us into Missouri until 11 or 12, but being able to spend Saturday with nothing important to do would be the best vacation I could have in well over 9 months. I need to reset my mind and just realize that everything really is in a better place than it has been in a very long time.

I’m worried because for the first time in my life I feel like my passion is starting to flicker. I’m worried because I’ve never felt so indifferent so much. I’m worried because I’ve never felt this much like I just want to run away and never come back.

I’ve spent a lot of time being frustrated about a lot of things. One of my greatest frustrations is the way that people seem to maintain dishonesty even in the situation where honesty is needed. Many of them even want dishonesty when they themselves need it twice as much as they ever have.

The trouble is, I find myself trying to lie to myself a little too much. I am fantastic at making my money work for me in ways that most others would never be able to achieve. That’s how I managed to get through the first year living in Lansing. My base pay was not really enough to keep me afloat, but I knew how to leverage my income to make sure that things fit where they needed to. I told everyone I was fine, but really, I was stressed out to my limits.

I was fine; I had everything balanced, except my life. I wanted to be able to spend time with my daughter and I just couldn’t seem to find a way to make it happen. People also seemed to enjoy bringing up the fact that I wasn’t trying as hard as they wanted it to look like I was trying.

Two years later I was lying to myself about my life. I kept trying to call what I had a family, but a family doesn’t make you feel like there is constantly something wrong and missing. They don’t make you feel like you’re the only one with concern for anything. Was it really them that felt that way, or just me?

Throughout my life I have had a hatred of money. I don’t like having it, and I don’t like not having it. I keep trying to use money as the excuse for all problems.

These are the days I hate. They sneak up on me and make me exhausted. I wake up irked by something and it sticks with me the whole day. I struggle with being depressed and it makes me want to argue. Money isn’t the problem though; it’s that I’ve been trying to make money the problem. I let myself get lost in worrying about the things that haven’t happened yet and trying to be prepared for them. However, as of late I have been taking prepared to an unhealthy level and letting it create a fear in me.

I need to be rational again. I have a whole lot going very right for me, and I can manage things well enough to be a success, I just have to quit being worried about whether or not tomorrow is going to come. I need to look at my life and realize the things I have. The things I have in my life are valuable enough that they aren’t going to vanish just because things get tough, and if they do, I guess I didn’t really want to have them in the first place.

Unless some strange act of god I could not be prepared for happened tomorrow, I know I will never lose my children, my family, my lady, and my ability to recover no matter what the situation. I resolved to stop focusing on letting be overcome stressing about the things I was never going to lose and damnit, I am not going to give that up. The most important person I need to be more honest with is myself and if I continue to lie to myself, than I can never truly be honest with the world.

Today I find myself at home, feeling like garbage. I have an on and off headache that isn’t really strong enough to overcome my racing thoughts, but is just strong enough to remind me when it starts. The cough and the running nose, however, are the real reason I am not at work today. I tire of dealing with the question of am I sick from the clients. Though I am sick this time, as the years past have shown, I traditionally go into work and just deal with it. As the day goes on I would have clients repeatedly ask why I didn’t take the day off, to which my only reply is, I don’t have time for days off. After a half-hour debate with myself I decided that maybe I should just stay home and be sick.

This will come out of my vacation time, however, but since I will be expending my vacation funds this year on essentials for Samantha while she is here in my home, I will not be taking a vacation this year, aside from my weekend GenCon time (which I may use up two of my vacation days for).

I find myself right now struggling to figure out what is most needed for Samantha when I bring her out here. I know I need diapers and wipes, a little more baby food, and some extra toys, and that Rebecca will be passing her on to me with clothes and possibly a few extra toys. I am almost finished with daycare arrangements and trying to figure out how to juggle the multiple responsibilities I have.

What ever happened to responsibility? Over the last few years I have found myself trying to be more responsible and trying to make more stable long term plans for myself and those around me. I’ve been setting aside some money for the future, making sure as well that I am prepared for the Future Present, and trying to manage my income so I can still buy the things I need and want to buy for others. It’s not hard to do, it’s just something that takes time.

In terms of responsibility I get a little annoyed when people seem to act as though I don’t take enough of it. If anything I find myself overwhelmed by the excess of things I have foolishly made myself responsible for. The reality of my duties is finally starting to overtake my ability to maintain composure. I need someone I can trust to aid with the store, and the problem I am having is finding someone I can trust. The business keeps changing as far as its income is concerned and it is getting more difficult to make plans for how to execute having someone work the store. However, I have come to the realization that I need to know that there is a day I can take off of my responsibilities, a day that I can walk away from it all and know that when I come back everything is going to be fine.

I need time for my family and the people I care about. If I have to give up a dream to get that, I will. I love all the things which are a part of my life right now, but if I have to cut off my arm to save my head, than I will do what I must. It’s not my first option, but it is definitely on my list.

I’m on a winning streak and I know very soon I’m going to get dealt a really bad hand, but I think I’ve been playing well enough that even if I get handed a few of them, I might recover pretty well. I’ve been learning the value of compromise. I’m usually very terrible at it. I tend to believe that if my opinion feels more logical that it should hold higher merit. Some decisions though cannot be based solely on logic. The key to compromise so far, doesn’t seem to be that either party sacrifice, it’s that they find a way to achieve a more unified goal.

Another more important aspect of compromise is being a little more willing to give up reservations about the things you may not like. I am trying more to understand certain things in an effort to be able to have a more unified opinion of them, similar to the way that I dislike WoW (World of Warcraft) at the present for a great deal of reasons, but I can respect and understand the reason which others enjoy it. Without giving things a more fair chance, how can a person ever expect to achieve a realistic understanding of the people they interact with and how can they be truly sure of their innate dislike unless they validate it with experience.

The painful part is that usually to achieve this point of life it seems like people have to have realized that they failed at compromise, and most people don’t ever seem to accept that at any point during the stages of grieving. The natural response seems to be either to start giving a lot or to start taking a lot. Situations in which I have placed myself in during the relationships I have had.

I’m presently going to continue to enjoy the table that I am at currently, since I feel that I am once again discovering that sometimes life can still teach you lessons without having to abuse you in the process. I’ve got to say thanks to Brendan for making me realize where the screw up in my lifestyle has been and helping me sort of clear my concept of what compromise was. Though I didn’t agree with his opinion, I feel that he helped steer me in the direction which will benefit me for a long time to come.