In the last few months I have been starting to realize something about myself I am sort of depressed to uncover. I need to be able to interact socially with people on a consistent basis and on a varied system of levels. I tend to need a different series of people to talk about different things with. As of late however, I have had one topic I haven’t had anyone I felt really cared if I discussed with them, emotions. Don’t misunderstand me though, this isn’t to say that they didn’t care about my emotions, but simply that the response was not on the level I need socially.

Large quantities of people seem to think that when I communicate I am trying to communicate only one way. This is quite inaccurate, however. In actuality I need responsive communication. A conversation is “The spoken exchange of thoughts, opinions, and feelings.” Without feedback there is no conversation.

Having the emotional conversation I need to have, however, is not something I can do with just anyone either. There are a lot of things I discuss which unveil a layer of myself which I am not comfortable sharing with people. For those of you which have experienced it, I appreciate you more than you will ever really understand. It has been your ability to listen and interact with me about the thoughts and feelings related to my emotions and that has helped me make it through some of the more difficult times in my life.

However, now I am faced with a decision which haunts me every night and feelings which place me suspended over a canyon with the ropes of the bridge snapping quickly. I need to pick a side and for the first time in my life I don’t know which side I want to be on. Time is running out though, and if don’t do something fast I will end up falling for the rest of my short life.

In times like this I feed on conversation the most. I drink in casual, emotional, and thought provoking conversation as a runner does water in a race. Right now I keep teetering on the edge of dehydration, but I am very much appreciative of the conversation I can get when I can get it. I’m a little overwhelmed and it’s making it hard to make time for the things I want to have the time for but I am glad I can get what I get.

Thanks to those of you who can understand how much I enjoy and thrive on good conversation.

There are some days it pains me to be right. In fact, there are a great deal too many times when I find myself knowing I am right about something and praying that I am wrong. Most people operate on the assumption that I spend a great deal of my life trying to make myself right or wanting to be right. When it comes down to watching people throw their lives away or end up being hurt or having their family members or friends fade from their lives, I don’t ever want to be right.

I am watching a great deal too many of the people I care about ruin their lives. Sadly, this includes me. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to find the path that’s right for me and finding myself very confused over and over and over again. I’ve been standing at this intersection for so long I’m starting to grow vegetation. The problem is that each route I take has a sizable impact on every person involved in my life. However, after a while you begin to realize that sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away and watch it all die.

After this post, I expect that my reader count will fade. In fact this will be the first one that begins the decline. This post comes from a series of things which have happened today. I’m not going to go into great detail, but it is only further support for the decision on which path I shall finally choose.

Many people come into a person’s life and change it. There are even some people that come along and change it so dramatically that life can never be the same again. They leave deep scars or warm feelings which the body will never lose. I feel that I have been this way to every person I have considered a friend or a confidant. I can see the scars I had left, along with the warmth. I can see when they don’t know how to handle the feelings they are left with when they make decisions they didn’t want to make or shouldn’t have made. I can see the pain and joy they are going to feel in the time to come.

I’ve been over these opinions and feelings with my friends, family, and confidants. They all know the things in their hearts that I have told them, with the fear of loss deep in my throat. They know the feelings and frustrations they felt in response. This year, I was worried about all the things that I was going to lose.

The fact is that I am not going to lose anything I actually had. I am not trying to control anyone’s life and I am not trying to destroy anyone’s life either. However, I don’t want to see people ruin their own. So many people are getting ready to ruin themselves in ways they can’t imagine. This is the year it happens. This is the year it all changes. I’m tired of standing here, and I’m tired of fighting the excuses, listening to the pain, and dealing with the frustrations. I don’t normally walk away from anyone who needs help, but this time I think it’s time I gave just one more shout to remind them the foundation won’t hold, before I turn and listen to it collapse and take them all with it.

I have chosen my path. I chose the path I have always wanted to have because I have always valued it most. It’s not an easy path. It’s not a bright path. Along the way there are hardships and troubles I cannot foresee, but it is the path I have longed for. It’s time I led by zealous example, instead of by passionate aggression.

Have you ever felt like sometimes the road you are looking at is the wrong road? The last two weeks have reminded me of what it is that I’ve been looking for. They reminded me what it is I missed most. They have left me with a feeling that is going to fill me with great pain for several weeks to come.

Being without Samantha left me with an empty feeling inside. Combined with the feeling I got because Rebecca was gone as well, the hole in my heart was making it hard to breathe. Seeing the way Samantha cares about me and the way she misses me is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I never thought that anyone would be so disappointed that I walked out of a room. Though when Samantha was gone she had a big piece of my heart, when she came back to me, she shared enough to make it all better.

That’s one of my favorite parts about love, real love. When it’s shared it grows. It doesn’t always last forever because it is fragile, but it is also beautiful and to not touch it and appreciate it would be a sin against love itself. You take chances that things will break, but if you’re extra careful it will survive even the toughest fall.

This is funny, because that’s part of why the end of things with Teri was so painful at first. Teri was someone who I had fun spending time with and she seemed to have fun spending time with me. I had always felt that even if what we had felt for each other wasn’t the kind of love that would go on forever, that in the end we would always be great friends. Instead I was told that friendship was impossible. How rude is that?

However, it didn’t take very long for me to open my eyes to the situation. I was already certain that we weren’t going to make it and I had no idea how long it was going to last. I knew her friends were not my biggest fans, and I knew I hated feeling like I had to walk on egg shells to not offend her friends. In truth, sometimes I felt like I was just watching the sands of an hourglass fall away. The only thing left about it all that bothers me was the last comment she said that will be burned into my mind forever, “I just don’t feel the same way about you that you feel about me.” I never got to learn what that meant. Did she think I wanted to marry her or did she start having feelings that she wanted to marry someone? From the day we started to pursue that relationship we had agreed to just go with things.

As a person who is constantly searching for answers to life’s little mysteries, I find myself forever fighting to understand what that comment really means. However, I know why it happened, and I know why she was put in my life. I’ve learned a lot these last two weeks about a lot of things. It’s time I stopped trying to do what I feel obligated to do, and start doing what I want to do.

I’m a 26 year old jack-of-all-trades entrepreneur with a brilliant mind, a rational set of goals, and an incredible talent for expression. I have everything I need to make the best of my life. For those of you who wish to drag me down, I will be here awaiting your challenge and for those of you who have helped to build me up, I wish you a life’s worth of the same.

I don’t normally get invited to anything private, until today. I am now a user of Google Voice. For those of you who do not know what this is, Google Voice is a method of VOIP Telephone which functions a little bit different than most VOIP systems. To simplify, The Lich’s Lair will be utilizing Google Voice as an enhanced voicemail system. What used to take hours should now take minutes. In addition, any calls to the business which get forwarded to my phone will be identified as calls to the business. This means that I will be able to answer the phone more appropriately based on the call.

In other news, I just got my GenCon assignments and it is looking like a fun weekend for me. I am running 4 slots, but have only 3 different modules to learn. I’m a little nervous, but totally looking forward to doing this. I have a very early slot on Sunday though, and I am a little concerned I will be late, but only time will tell.

Since it seems to ensure a viewer count over 80, I will mention Teri. Just to mention her. I still read her blog and have an opinion about the sort of hodge-podgedness of her current layout, but I get what she was going for.

To clarify exactly why though, I get a viewer count of 200 or more every time I have involved her in one of my posts. That’s great for my google ads. It’s amazing that a relationship that ended so quickly and didn’t have an extended fallout has been so beneficially to the growth of my blog.

I had to take the day off work today because I couldn’t find anyone to watch Samantha. It’s my fault; I was a little under prepared for things. I forgot we were going to need her medical records to get her into the daycare. Things are organized for Wed and Thurs though, she’ll be with her Grandma.

Samantha is an awesome child. I know most parents say that about their children, but she is relatively well behaved. She’s a bit of trouble when I have her at the store, but there is good reason for that. She’s still only a year old and doesn’t full respond to instructions very well, but she is learning.

I know this wasn’t my usual highly opinionated entry, but I felt I needed a break from that for just a moment. Every once in a while I might drop an update in here.

Oh and the store is still alive. For how long though I cannot be fully sure. Wish us the best.

It’s amazing how you can send a friendly e-mail and have it end up creating hatred. Just as I am sure this blog entry will also produce some flavorful commenteri. Yeah, that’s a little passive aggressive, but hey if everyone else can act childish, I’m going to take a moment and do it as well.

On the lighter side of things, I’m trying really hard to gain a more enhanced outlook on life. I’ve spent a lot of time critiquing the things people do and being outright argumentative. It’s a bit of a hard flaw to erase. The last few days, every time I think I’m getting better at getting it into check I catch myself doing it again. Today I did it in a discussion about Tokens in Standard and in a conversation with someone about our lives.

This is step one because I even catch myself doing this with myself. Its part of the reason I have made some really poor decisions. If I don’t mater this I won’t be able to just go with it. I will instead constantly try to convince myself to take some other course of action. You know that when you’re tired of arguing with yourself that you probably argue too much.

I have a lot of great characteristics, but there are a lot of things about me that even I am starting to dislike. This blog has been helping me see that more clearly. I hope that in a few months I can look back and read the progression and say to myself that I’ve come a long way.