My life has been about time. For years I have stressed myself out trying to comprehend the way that time moves. I’ve tried time after time to buy more time. I have even tried making myself depressed just to gather more time to understand time. That is part of why the movie I watched tonight hit close to home. The idea is that if you get yourself in the right, or wrong, frame of mind you can stop time, going off the idea that the more depressed you get the slower time seems to go.

This is a topic I will probably bring up a lot because time and I are in a constant struggle. Namely that it seems to believe that it is more valuable than the things I want to do with it. Today is an example of me wishing I could obtain more time. It is also a day which will etch itself into my memory and never be lost again.

Today I confirmed a feeling I wasn’t sure of. It was only but a few minutes ago and it wasn’t really that I wasn’t sure of it; I just wasn’t really sure what it really was anymore. After a lot of anger coursed out of me, I was left with the realization of a lot of things and a lot of thoughts flooding my mind. Today I cried and screamed and laughed and hurt on a level I haven’t in a very long time. Tonight I will sleep in a state of near comatose awaking only when the alarm cries out its mind-boring tone.

Time is all screwed up for me right now. It seems to be racing forward and freezing for just long enough to let the agony and reality of life set in and sting at me deeply. However, as my father reminded me, I have done fairly well for myself. So maybe I just let myself feel like this to try to have better control of my time.

I know this may not explain much, but right now I can’t handle the explaining part of anything. My body had only a few more minutes before the crash will finally kick in.

Oh, and I won’t have car problems again until Friday Night, maybe.

If you read my last entry, you would believe that all of GenCon would have to be at least half as good as day zero, right? Wrong, very wrong. This year I was quite downhearted by the lack of things to do other than play Are You A Werewolf. Though the game is quite entertaining, it was definitely not the game I was hoping to play. I had come to GenCon with the expectation that I would be able to demo some new games to potentially stock in the store and that I would be able to find a few fun games of EDH on the side. Instead, all I found was an unlimited number of overpriced events and a few “secret dealers” in the game hall. All in all, the mall attached to the hotel which I feel bad because I really didn’t effectively earn, but had a key to and was allowed to stay in, was more fun in many ways than the convention itself.

The trip back would be postponed until Monday morning, which I figured would be fine because I still had an extra paid day off. However, on Friday I had gotten a message from Kurt, the former newest employee of Connected Computer, that he had found new employment with Target.

When I returned to work on Tuesday morning, I was suspended for the remainder of the week without pay and my boss’ excuse was that he could not trust me. I spend every day of my life having to support that job in some way, shape, or form, I get my paycheck late every other week, I am willing to work more or less hours depending upon the company’s needs, and I have worked for the same pay for almost 2 years now in a company that has been run by a man who goes by an alias and hasn’t paid his taxes for what I can only assume has been at least 7 years now and who spends thousands of the company’s dollars on gold and silver and locks it away in the safe in his office at home and I am the one who cannot be trusted.

This suspension is great though. Teri wasn’t feeling good on Wednesday, so she decided to go home early from work. I picked her up and we had lunch and lay around watching Arrested Development. She had a raid on WoW at around 5ish and had homework to do and I had to head to the store to take care of EDH. Then Teri said something I didn’t expect her to say, but really wanted to hear her say. She said that since she didn’t feel good that day she could probably just call off the next day. Part of me feels guilty for what I did next, mostly because I give people shit for doing the same thing. I texted Tony and told him I was having car trouble when really the only car trouble I was having is that the driver had no desire to drive. I spent the night at Teri’s and as guilty as I would normally have felt for doing such a thing, there was none. I felt like somehow I deserved this, and to be honest, I think maybe I really do.

The next morning Teri and I spent the first few hours talking in bed. Really about nothing in particular and about everything at the same time. If not for my ravenous need to consume large quantities on a consistent basis, I would have been able to lie around doing that all day. However, I was hungry and Teri still had homework to be done. I sat around playing a few hours of Left 4 Dead in Survival mode and getting my ass handed to me because bots suck at non-life. The last bit of time for the day went fairly swiftly and before I knew what had happened the day was already gone.

So why did I elaborate on all that? It’s a prime example of what I mean by trying to just go with life and see what happens. I’m really tired of expectations and people telling me what I should and shouldn’t think and feel. I enjoy spending time with Teri and she appreciates spending time with me. I know it seems like I am getting my priorities out of order, but I am still getting the things accomplished which I need to maintain control of. I’ve slacked a bit at the store, but I’ve got good people who can handle it just the same and could use the extra income anyway.

Overall I’m happy. Got a problem with that?

So far things have been awesome. After an interesting preceding evening and a chaotic weekend I find myself in a position I did not expect to be, happy. So far I have done more in a day than I got to do in my first year here

It began with a bit of getting to know the other volunteers. It was actually a bit of an ego booster when you look around and realize that you might actually be in a place where you finally could be top 10 in attractiveness, but to be fair, I was also probably bottom ten in age, if not bottom five.

We then hung out and played a couple hands of Fluxx, and Tree House. The follow up was a rousing foam sword fight, which reminded me that there are still areas of my stamina that need work.

The night was still young, however and I was in my favorite of things. I am dangerous in a hotel. I explore and I love every minute of the exploration When the hotel is attached to other buildings by a series of bridges, I have achieved a higher state of life, and when I am surrounded by the culture I enjoy life is nirvana. My exploration this time would prove extra fruitful though.

Pastimes decided to give their staff a reward for the getting things set up The reward was a free night a GameWorks. Gameworks is in a mall here, which happens to be connected to this hotel, which I happened to stumble into. An hour of HydroThunder and time crisis 3 later, the machines started to deactivate and it was obvious that the party was over.

After dropping off our ganked pastimes staff shirts, Brendan and I headed to dinner at Steak and Shake and the wandered around the building having a few conversations about one of our favorite topics.

A great start to what I hope will be a great weekend. It is almost 3 our time which makes it 4 here, so it is time to retire until sunrise. Day two will be here soon!

I find myself lost in a need to express. It is a difficult concept for me to explain, but it is a fact, none the less. Ten years ago I began doing something which would take my love of expression to a whole new level and would spawn situations I would never dream I could have achieved. Three years ago that expression started to die. I don’t really know what started the death and I really don’t think it will help me right now. What I need is to begin its revival.

For those of you who are confused, many of you are used to my current method of expression, rage. Anger is far from my only expression and a small few of you have had the pleasure of getting a small taste of the expression of my other emotions. An even smaller few got a larger taste of some of my more dramatic emotions.

My art of expression is something that is well tied to my social vampirism. For years I would use my expression of passion for something to fuel people’s interest in maintaining a conversation with me. Three years ago I traded the expression of passion for being argumentative. I find myself making statements which imply the wrong ideas about people simply to maintain their interest in the topic being discussed.

I realized this a few weeks ago, during the dinner with Teri at Merlot. Knowing that I was in a relationship which was doomed to fail for a myriad of reasons, a few more than I wanted to accept of which were my own, I had expressed the feelings I had in a way in which I hadn’t expressed in a very long time. When I sat there the words still lingering in the air, I realized that I had missed that. Two days later I began my needy phase for a very terrible reason.

I have lost the ability to express with the level of detail I was once able. I need to recovery it before I lose my mind. I need to get back the part of me which makes me hate myself now. Today I received one of the most amazingly beautiful compliments in my entire life and I froze. I don’t normally freeze when I encounter something of beauty.

Like it or hate it, I am turning this blog in a whole new direction. This side of the blog will be a beautiful contrast to the blood portion of this site. I am almost who I want to be, and mark my words, when I am finished those who the instant social magnetic effect I have on people will be so strong that I may actually have to become an even more paranoid person.

*For those of you unaware of what I mean by the social magnetic effect, simply ask me to explain it one day.