As many of you know, there is very little about the Christmas Holiday which I enjoy. Usually, during this holiday I am either short on money, time, or good cheer. By the last week prior to Christmas, my stress levels have me passed the point I can breathe. Last year this was caused when I not only got my check two and a half weeks late, but also did not get my usual Christmas bonus. The year before that Rebecca had lost her job and Christmas would mostly be about preparing to buffer ourselves against the problems to come.

When the month began I had already been handed a bit more than I could handle. Wally decided that he could no longer work at the store because he was looking for more work and didn’t feel he could keep up the responsibility. This wasn’t a huge problem, however, since I had been handling the FNMs prior to that with little trouble, the additional Friday gave me time to be able to get some side responsibilities done, however and would allow me additional shopping time this year.

In addition, the two weeks prior to Thanksgiving I floated the store a loan which I was sure would have paid off by now. However, due to the random decrease in player attendance at both the FNMs and the Drafts, income tanked during the month of November and I am still sitting on $800 which will end up being paid back to me in slow installments.

During the last week of the month, I was notified by Rebecca that the custody agreement, which I thought was going to be sufficient, was not usable and would have to be amended. This meant that I would not be allowed to see my daughter for at least another month, and it was especially painful because of the time of year, and my family’s desire to see her again.

However, Teri has been amazingly supportive during this time. It’s a little tougher for her and I really appreciate the attempts she has been making. I feel awful because I know what a mess I become this time of year and the fact that she understands is help on it’s own.

I have new plans for the store next year and so far they seem to be fairly awesome. Tom is going to come on in a more Partner style position and I am still in the market for a few others. I am currently watching one of my clients deal with a nightmare situation and I don’t want to end up there myself.

So where am I going with all this?

Mostly I am just passing out status updates to the world and explaining why the great deal of silence lately. Although it’s not completely responsible I was trying to enjoy as much of my time in November as I could.

To anyone which may feel like I have been ignoring them or not communicating with them as much, I apologize and to those of you who feel I was rude or insincere, I apologize.

I hope you are reading this at a more reasonable time than I am writing it. Tonight I accomplished a lot, and yet, it still isn’t enough to help me sleep. I’m currently going through a phase which is common and I know will pass, but it is going to make the next few days difficult to deal with.

On a semi-related yet not closely related note, I think I might be going crazy, but definitely the good kind. As I have mentioned before, I have been spending a great deal of time with Teri, and as I have said I have felt pretty good about doing so. It has caused me to not be at the store as much as usual, but I feel that the time I have invested has been worth every moment. Before you think that this means I am crazy about Teri, stop. Teri is one thing I am very serious about, she’s not perfect and that’s one of the best things about her. I would never call what I feel about Teri crazy. I am going crazy because I feel happy and I am beginning to feel like that might be ok.

My whole life has been a constant struggle of fighting with being unhappy, becoming happy, and then having my happiness stripped away. Usually, the happiness I obtain is from compromising with me and accepting what I have as good. This time I went from an unhappy period straight to feeling like I just won some kind of super lottery drawing. I have a beautiful daughter who I will get the opportunity to start spending time with once some paperwork is solidified, the most awesome girlfriend that money couldn’t buy, a supportive friend base (even though sometimes I don’t accept that), and a very solid plan for my future. All of these things just seemed to start falling into place.

Which brings me to why I am terrified and in the state I am in. Life does tend to steal things away from me, and I can feel my subconscious somehow trying to bargain with it. I keep starting to create bad situations for myself. Thankfully nothing has been too dramatic, but I have to keep these under control. Right now, I am very happy with the direction my life is taking me.

To put this very simply, I have been able to spend the last few weeks being able to make someone happy because they are making me happy because I am making them happy, and the same is true for the inverse. I’ve been able to do a lot of things I really enjoy, but never get a chance to enjoy. I’ve also been doing a lot of things I don’t typically enjoy, but the scenario seems to change everything.

Now if only these next few days of over thinking would finally come to an end so I can get my mind back into focus.