Have you ever watched a parade and hoped it would rain? Have you ever been to the circus and waited with anticipation for a tightrope walker to fall? I am starting to think that a lot more people than I thought have. A few more people than I expected have asked me if my proposal yesterday to Teri was too early or was the right thing to do. I was even grilled by one person to make sure I was making the right decision. Twenty questions later he gave me his blessing. I don’t need someone else’s blessing to decide whether or not I want to tell someone I love them so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I make the decision about the person I want to face the troubles, enjoy the happiness, work through the loss, and forge the rest of my life with. I know that quite a few people just simply worry because we live in a world where relationships and marriages end without any provocation or warning (and I myself am proof of that).

However, what it comes down to is that when I talk to Teri, she is my equal and I am her equal. We have a mutual respect and admiration for each other. She is my friend and she is my partner. I don’t have some kind of dreamy vision of her, I see her as an intelligent, beautiful, responsible, generous, devoted, and loving woman, and though I see all that I can still see the things that make her Teri, the dark sides as well as the light.

For those of you who are unaware I enjoy assessing people for what they are made of. Learning the deeper complexities of people makes me feel excited. I am very aware of Teri’s faults and the things which will add a layer of complexity to our life together; however there is not a moment that I feel as though these faults are any different than my own. Though they are unique in what they are they are still a subject which the two of us discuss and continue to find balance for.

Commitment is about telling another person that they are everything you have been searching for, and that you accept them as who they are and are willing to be there for them always. I go into this with no false visions of what will happen or how difficult this will be. Marriage is hard work, determination, and faith. I have no doubts about the way I feel about Teri and I look forward to facing the days ahead with her.

As many of you know, there is very little about the Christmas Holiday which I enjoy. Usually, during this holiday I am either short on money, time, or good cheer. By the last week prior to Christmas, my stress levels have me passed the point I can breathe. Last year this was caused when I not only got my check two and a half weeks late, but also did not get my usual Christmas bonus. The year before that Rebecca had lost her job and Christmas would mostly be about preparing to buffer ourselves against the problems to come.

When the month began I had already been handed a bit more than I could handle. Wally decided that he could no longer work at the store because he was looking for more work and didn’t feel he could keep up the responsibility. This wasn’t a huge problem, however, since I had been handling the FNMs prior to that with little trouble, the additional Friday gave me time to be able to get some side responsibilities done, however and would allow me additional shopping time this year.

In addition, the two weeks prior to Thanksgiving I floated the store a loan which I was sure would have paid off by now. However, due to the random decrease in player attendance at both the FNMs and the Drafts, income tanked during the month of November and I am still sitting on $800 which will end up being paid back to me in slow installments.

During the last week of the month, I was notified by Rebecca that the custody agreement, which I thought was going to be sufficient, was not usable and would have to be amended. This meant that I would not be allowed to see my daughter for at least another month, and it was especially painful because of the time of year, and my family’s desire to see her again.

However, Teri has been amazingly supportive during this time. It’s a little tougher for her and I really appreciate the attempts she has been making. I feel awful because I know what a mess I become this time of year and the fact that she understands is help on it’s own.

I have new plans for the store next year and so far they seem to be fairly awesome. Tom is going to come on in a more Partner style position and I am still in the market for a few others. I am currently watching one of my clients deal with a nightmare situation and I don’t want to end up there myself.

So where am I going with all this?

Mostly I am just passing out status updates to the world and explaining why the great deal of silence lately. Although it’s not completely responsible I was trying to enjoy as much of my time in November as I could.

To anyone which may feel like I have been ignoring them or not communicating with them as much, I apologize and to those of you who feel I was rude or insincere, I apologize.

Have you ever tried to do something, but could only remember to do it while you were in locations which didn’t give you access to the things you wanted to do. This is the perpetual state I have been in for the last few years. I have been trying to get the new logo spread around quite a bit. Now that I think I have the proper coloring down for it I would like to get all of our promotional materials printed up and displayed. Unfortunately, I forgot to save the work to the company machine and instead left it on the comic shop’s machine. Fail!

It took me two weeks to remember that I needed to do laundry any time other than when I was in the north suburbs. Today, I actually got my laundry done. Well, part of it anyway. Damnit, I forgot to put the load in the washing machine. Fixed!

Finally downloaded more episodes of The Whistler…

Whistler, The
CAST: Bill Forman, Marvin Miller, Everett Clarke, Doris Singleton, Lurene Tuttle, Jack Webb, Hy Averback, Joe Kearns, Paul Frees, Howard Culver, Charlotte Lawrence, John Dehner, Mary Shipp, Elliott Lewis, Jack Moyles, Charles Seel
ANNOUNCERS: Marvin Miller
PRODUCERS/DIRECTORS: George Allen, Sherman Marks, Sterling Tracy
SOUND EFFECTS: Berne Surrey, Gene Twombly
MUSICAL DIRECTOR AND ORIGINAL MUSIC SCORE: Wilbur Hatch, Dorothy Roberts did the whistling
The Whistler – 1942-1948
The show first broadcast its fantastic thirty-minute crime mystery series in May 1942 and did not finish until September 1948. There were more than 450 shows of murder and intrigue in all. Although it ran for 6 years it was broadcast for only one year on a national network. The show opened to the sound of footsteps and an eerie whistle, which went on throughout the introductory music. The Whistler always began the show with the opening lines; I am the Whistler, and I know many things, for I walk by night. I know many strange tales, many secrets hidden in the hearts of men and women who have stepped into the shadows. Yes, I know the nameless terrors of which they dare not speak…”

This only took me a little over a month to remember. I hate my awful memory.

Why is it that life doesn’t have any hacks or enhancers? I could really use some kind of undelete or undo button for my brain so I could at least go back a few thoughts.

Silence is not one of my favorite things in the world; in fact, it’s one of those things that I hate. So being without the ability to communicate with a large part of my universe because I have been moving has pretty much been weird. For me, any time I move it always results in another loss. This move I thought I was prepared for my losses. I was totally wrong.

Yesterday, Pablo, my pet bird, died. I’ve sort of been dreading the day, so in a way, seeing him dead wasn’t as traumatic as I expected it to be. Part of that bothered me though. When I came down and saw him laying there I didn’t cry. At first I was in disbelief, and then I realized it was true. My body, however, reacted as if this was just the usual goings on and proceeded into how to properly resolve this situation mode. Telling my mother, I felt some pain, but not what I had expected. I let out a few tears, but I kept feeling like, well it could have been worse.

In a lot of ways, I am sad to see Pablo go. Hearing him “cat call” was always one of my favorite parts of any given day. Watching him tear up cards and never back down from challenges eight times his size rank high on my answers to why this bird was awesome. That’s part of why it doesn’t hurt the way I think it should. Pablo lived a long life. He was always an awesome bird. He was very old, and everything was starting to bother him. The move was just too much for him.

I know for many people it’s just a bird and even this is a little more than I should probably be going into detail about, but Pablo was a part of my life. He was there through so many stages of it. It’s going to be weird not having him around, but I’m glad we could hang out while we could.

I hate days like today.

So far, the day has been about as boring as they come. I paid a few bills, the ones that I could, anyway and in a little bit I need to run and get some temporary supplies for the house. I had thought I was going to pack things up today, but then I realized that Sunday, Eric threw away all the boxes which had been stacked up for almost two weeks. I felt bad because I didn’t say anything, but I figured if they hadn’t moved after two weeks, they probably weren’t going anywhere. Oh well, I’ll get more on Wednesday and Friday. I would have rather played Arkham Asylum.

I’ve decided to try to give Teri a little more time to spend with her roommates and herself. Personally, it’s maddening. Monday is traditionally the day I am way too exhausted to do anything that involves traveling. I usually get home and just want to spend time talking, playing something, and then going to bed. Tonight, I will probably be going to bed early, after I run my errands and say goodnight to Samantha.

I’ve never really been the type to hate Mondays, but they always seem to hate me.