I’ve spent a lot of time being frustrated about a lot of things. One of my greatest frustrations is the way that people seem to maintain dishonesty even in the situation where honesty is needed. Many of them even want dishonesty when they themselves need it twice as much as they ever have.

The trouble is, I find myself trying to lie to myself a little too much. I am fantastic at making my money work for me in ways that most others would never be able to achieve. That’s how I managed to get through the first year living in Lansing. My base pay was not really enough to keep me afloat, but I knew how to leverage my income to make sure that things fit where they needed to. I told everyone I was fine, but really, I was stressed out to my limits.

I was fine; I had everything balanced, except my life. I wanted to be able to spend time with my daughter and I just couldn’t seem to find a way to make it happen. People also seemed to enjoy bringing up the fact that I wasn’t trying as hard as they wanted it to look like I was trying.

Two years later I was lying to myself about my life. I kept trying to call what I had a family, but a family doesn’t make you feel like there is constantly something wrong and missing. They don’t make you feel like you’re the only one with concern for anything. Was it really them that felt that way, or just me?

Throughout my life I have had a hatred of money. I don’t like having it, and I don’t like not having it. I keep trying to use money as the excuse for all problems.

These are the days I hate. They sneak up on me and make me exhausted. I wake up irked by something and it sticks with me the whole day. I struggle with being depressed and it makes me want to argue. Money isn’t the problem though; it’s that I’ve been trying to make money the problem. I let myself get lost in worrying about the things that haven’t happened yet and trying to be prepared for them. However, as of late I have been taking prepared to an unhealthy level and letting it create a fear in me.

I need to be rational again. I have a whole lot going very right for me, and I can manage things well enough to be a success, I just have to quit being worried about whether or not tomorrow is going to come. I need to look at my life and realize the things I have. The things I have in my life are valuable enough that they aren’t going to vanish just because things get tough, and if they do, I guess I didn’t really want to have them in the first place.

Unless some strange act of god I could not be prepared for happened tomorrow, I know I will never lose my children, my family, my lady, and my ability to recover no matter what the situation. I resolved to stop focusing on letting be overcome stressing about the things I was never going to lose and damnit, I am not going to give that up. The most important person I need to be more honest with is myself and if I continue to lie to myself, than I can never truly be honest with the world.