I find myself lost in a need to express. It is a difficult concept for me to explain, but it is a fact, none the less. Ten years ago I began doing something which would take my love of expression to a whole new level and would spawn situations I would never dream I could have achieved. Three years ago that expression started to die. I don’t really know what started the death and I really don’t think it will help me right now. What I need is to begin its revival.

For those of you who are confused, many of you are used to my current method of expression, rage. Anger is far from my only expression and a small few of you have had the pleasure of getting a small taste of the expression of my other emotions. An even smaller few got a larger taste of some of my more dramatic emotions.

My art of expression is something that is well tied to my social vampirism. For years I would use my expression of passion for something to fuel people’s interest in maintaining a conversation with me. Three years ago I traded the expression of passion for being argumentative. I find myself making statements which imply the wrong ideas about people simply to maintain their interest in the topic being discussed.

I realized this a few weeks ago, during the dinner with Teri at Merlot. Knowing that I was in a relationship which was doomed to fail for a myriad of reasons, a few more than I wanted to accept of which were my own, I had expressed the feelings I had in a way in which I hadn’t expressed in a very long time. When I sat there the words still lingering in the air, I realized that I had missed that. Two days later I began my needy phase for a very terrible reason.

I have lost the ability to express with the level of detail I was once able. I need to recovery it before I lose my mind. I need to get back the part of me which makes me hate myself now. Today I received one of the most amazingly beautiful compliments in my entire life and I froze. I don’t normally freeze when I encounter something of beauty.

Like it or hate it, I am turning this blog in a whole new direction. This side of the blog will be a beautiful contrast to the blood portion of this site. I am almost who I want to be, and mark my words, when I am finished those who the instant social magnetic effect I have on people will be so strong that I may actually have to become an even more paranoid person.

*For those of you unaware of what I mean by the social magnetic effect, simply ask me to explain it one day.