My life has been about time. For years I have stressed myself out trying to comprehend the way that time moves. I’ve tried time after time to buy more time. I have even tried making myself depressed just to gather more time to understand time. That is part of why the movie I watched tonight hit close to home. The idea is that if you get yourself in the right, or wrong, frame of mind you can stop time, going off the idea that the more depressed you get the slower time seems to go.

This is a topic I will probably bring up a lot because time and I are in a constant struggle. Namely that it seems to believe that it is more valuable than the things I want to do with it. Today is an example of me wishing I could obtain more time. It is also a day which will etch itself into my memory and never be lost again.

Today I confirmed a feeling I wasn’t sure of. It was only but a few minutes ago and it wasn’t really that I wasn’t sure of it; I just wasn’t really sure what it really was anymore. After a lot of anger coursed out of me, I was left with the realization of a lot of things and a lot of thoughts flooding my mind. Today I cried and screamed and laughed and hurt on a level I haven’t in a very long time. Tonight I will sleep in a state of near comatose awaking only when the alarm cries out its mind-boring tone.

Time is all screwed up for me right now. It seems to be racing forward and freezing for just long enough to let the agony and reality of life set in and sting at me deeply. However, as my father reminded me, I have done fairly well for myself. So maybe I just let myself feel like this to try to have better control of my time.

I know this may not explain much, but right now I can’t handle the explaining part of anything. My body had only a few more minutes before the crash will finally kick in.

Oh, and I won’t have car problems again until Friday Night, maybe.