When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I liked. I didn’t have to stop and think about what I wanted to do, I would just go to the thing that I wanted to enjoy and then play with it. So why is it that for the last 20 years I find myself sitting around so much and wondering what I want to do?
For about 10 years I tried to fill my life with being busy. I had two careers that overlapped each other far too much. However for a period of about 4 years of my life I began to feel the emptiness that this brought me. Every day I would wake up feeling like I owed the day my soul and I was just trying to work my way to paying it back. I felt like a failure to my wife, my kids, and myself. I would do things like playing Magic or watching television shows and I would enjoy them, but there would always be the nagging feeling of the debt I would accrue by not being more productive with my time.
I started the process of deconstructing that feeling roughly two years ago. It became the most important project of my life. It was the very thing that stopped me from being able to allow myself the freedom to be happy. Once I did, I began a sort of house cleaning. The things in my life I didn’t want to do started being discarded. I no longer wanted to be a slave to my emotional debts.
So I find myself now staring at screens, stacks of Magic cards, or the air thinking about what it is that I enjoy and what it is that I want to do. There are some things I know for sure. I love playing Commander and can quite often be encouraged to play most of the time. Snuggling on the couch with someone and watching anything makes my heart fill with warmth. Having a thought provoking discussion with someone about almost anything can often make the highlight reel of my day.
I have also begun to miss reading. This has been nagging at me for a while, especially after my wife purchased the Wheel of Time series and had it prominently displayed on our book shelf. I used to really enjoy reading, but as I got older the time bug ate away at me more and I began to lose the joy I once had for something I loved dearly. I’m going to devote at least an hour a day to reading at some point close to the end of the day. I feel like my brain deserves it and so does my heart.